1601

[Date, 1601.]

Prim. Ovo bi trebalo biti ulomak iz dnevnika Pepisa, naime nosca čaše kod Kraljice Jelisavete. Trebao je da bude starog i plemenitog roda; da mrzi ovu smrad od književnika; da mu se duša savije vidjeti kraljicu kako se opušta do razgovora s onakvima; i da starac misli kako njegova plemenitost se kalja u društvu Shakespearea i dr., te svejedno mora ostati sve dok kraljica ga ne pusti.

SINOĆ njezino Veličanstvo, kralijica naša, uzede si na pamet, kano što nekoć čini, ter pozva nekoje što pišu trame, knjige, i takve vrste stvari; naime gospodin moj Bacon, njegova svijetlost Sir Walter Raleigh, građanin Ben Jonson, i mladić Francis Beaumonte, ki imajuć tik šesnaes godina, veće se zajmuje prekladom latinskoga u naš engleski, mnogo vješto i od svih hvaljeno. Sa njima također bijaše čuveni Shakespeare. Kako li čudno mućenje vrle krve s kmetijevom, kajti pri kraljici, kano i ovi druzi: naime hercoginja Bilgewatera, od dvajset dvije godine; grofinja od Grambija, od dvajset šest; kćer njezina g. Helen, od petnaes, ter dvije kraljevične djevice časti, naime g. Margery Boothy, od šezdeset pet, pa g. Alice Dilberrz, tik sedamdeset postala, dvi godine od kraljice starija.

Ja pur kano nosilac čaše za njezino veličanstvo, neimadoh nič do ostati da ziram kako razina društvena zaboravlja se, ter da visoki govoru s niskim kano sa braćom svojom, što prijašno se nije čulo u ciljem božijem svijetu.

U žaru govora desi se da netko prnu, pustiv velji i nezgodni zadah, pokli vsi se dobro nasmijaše; ter--

KRALJICA: Zaista za osam i šezdeset svojijeh godina ne bijah čula nigda takoga isprda. Po velikomu zvuku i trštenju mi se čini, kano je mužesko; no trbuh ki ga kriše sada bi trebao pljosnat proti hrbta postati onoga ki je oslobodjen toliko vrloga i pustoga tovara, medtem kano trbušine tih što imadu jezičke od zvonova lijepo smirni i obli ostadu. Neka prestupitelj prizna zločin! Bi li gospoja Alice priznala?

G. ALICE: Dobra vaša svijetlosti, bih li imala mijesta za takav ispust u mojim drevnim crijevima, nije pamet da bih mogla to ispustiti a preživjeti za Bogu zahvaliti, ano izabra sluškinju tako nisku da bi silu Svoju prikazao. Nije, nisam ja proizvela takve potpune i pobjedonosne maglice, takvog mirisljivog oblaka, ter po vašoj milosti ištite dalje.

KRALJICA: Morda g. Margery je za nas učinila taj predobri čin?

G. MARGERY: Vaše milosti, po rukama mojima teret od pet i šezdeset godina valja se, pur triba je da budem nježna s njima. O svetom Božjem predviđenju, kako bih ja tu stvar u sebi držala, uistinu bih cilju večeru mojega odlazećeg života dala na isprđenje njeno, malaksane i drhteće duše, umisto ju pustiti odmah s neprimjerljivom silom njenom, kano bi ona život moj uzela na okrutno, ter kinula slabe moje kosti kano bi bili staro rublje. Ja nisam, vaša svjetlosti.

KRALJICA: U ime božije, tko nas odari? Dođe li da isprd sam sebe prdi? Ne ovakav, virujem. Mladi g. Beaumont -- ne, bacio bi se do tavanice kano govno od guske. Ni mlada g. Helen -- nemoj crveniti se, dijete -- ti ćeš svoje djevičanstvo mnozima iglama probosti dokli dođeš do takovega uragana. A morda bi ti, učeni i pametni moj Jonson?

JONSON: Toliko mukli udar nikada nije počastio moje uše, nit zadah toliko svenaočni i nesamrtni. Ne biše to novak što to učini, vaše milosti, ali vještak -- inak se je uskratio. Istina nisam bio ja.

KRALJICA: Moj gospodin Bacon?

BACON: Ne iz mojega mršava crijeva iziđe ta glomaza, miloste vaše velje. Što je za velikaše bolje od velikoga izlaganja; a naći ćete s sigurnosti kano nije izašlo iz prosjeka ovo čudo.

[Bude li ogovoren samo isprd, ali će ova natovarena znanstvom kola duboko razlagati. Istom taj ružni gadni zadah proždrje sva mjesta utoliko, da nigda nisam slično čuvstvao, ma nisam drzao opustiti prisustvo kraljice, iako gotovo se uguših.]

Ye Queene.--What saith ye worshipful Master Shaxpur?

Shaxpur.--In the great hand of God I stand and so proclaim mine innocence. Though ye sinless hosts of heaven had foretold ye coming of this most desolating breath, proclaiming it a work of uninspired man, its quaking thunders, its firmament-clogging rottenness his own achievement in due course of nature, yet had not I believed it; but had said the pit itself hath furnished forth the stink, and heaven's artillery hath shook the globe in admiration of it.

[Then was there a silence, and each did turn him toward the worshipful Sr Walter Ralegh, that browned, embattled, bloody swashbuckler, who rising up did smile, and simpering say,]

Sr W.--Most gracious maisty, 'twas I that did it, but indeed it was so poor and frail a note, compared with such as I am wont to furnish, yt in sooth I was ashamed to call the weakling mine in so august a presence. It was nothing--less than nothing, madam--I did it but to clear my nether throat; but had I come prepared, then had I delivered something worthy. Bear with me, please your grace, till I can make amends.

[Then delivered he himself of such a godless and rock-shivering blast that all were fain to stop their ears, and following it did come so dense and foul a stink that that which went before did seem a poor and trifling thing beside it. Then saith he, feigning that he blushed and was confused, I perceive that I am weak to-day, and cannot justice do unto my powers; and sat him down as who should say, There, it is not much yet he that hath an arse to spare, let him fellow that, an' he think he can. By God, an' I were ye queene, I would e'en tip this swaggering braggart out o' the court, and let him air his grandeurs and break his intolerable wind before ye deaf and such as suffocation pleaseth.]

Tada počeše o navicima raznojakih ljudi govoriti, ter g. Shaxpur veljaše o knjizi velegospodina Michaela de Montaine, što u njoj bijaše zamjedba o naviku udovicah Perigorda oblačiti na ...., na mužeski uveli član ličeći nakit, za udovstvo označiti, po čemu se kraljica nasmija ter reče kako također udovice u Engliterri nosaju kurce, al pod kukom, i nikako uvele, dok se to ispražnenjem ne zgodi. Ter Master Shaxpur odmjeti, kako bijaše rekao de Montaine o nekome gospodaru take snage, da uzede deset djevojničestva za noć jedinu, dokli mu žena razvlačiše dva i dvajset viteza u postelji, ne dovoljeć se;

Then fell they to talk about ye manners and customs of many peoples, and Master Shaxpur spake of ye boke of ye sieur Michael de Montaine, wherein was mention of ye custom of widows of Perigord to wear uppon ye headdress, in sign of widowhood, a jewel in ye similitude of a man's member wilted and limber, whereat ye queene did laugh and say widows in England doe wear prickes too, but betwixt the thighs, and not wilted neither, till coition hath done that office for them. Master Shaxpur did likewise observe how yt ye sieur de Montaine hath also spoken of a certain emperor of such mighty prowess that he did take ten maidenheddes in ye compass of a single night, ye while his empress did entertain two and twenty lusty knights between her sheetes, yet was not satisfied; whereat ye merrie Countess Granby saith a ram is yet ye emperor's superior, sith he wil tup above a hundred yewes 'twixt sun and sun; and after, if he can have none more to shag, will masturbate until he hath enrich'd whole acres with his seed.

Then spake ye damned windmill, Sr Walter, of a people in ye uttermost parts of America, yt capulate not until they be five and thirty yeres of age, ye women being eight and twenty, and do it then but once in seven yeres.

Ye Queene.--How doth that like my little Lady Helen? Shall we send thee thither and preserve thy belly?

Lady Helen.--Please your highnesses grace, mine old nurse hath told me there are more ways of serving God than by locking the thighs together; yet am I willing to serve him yt way too, sith your highnesses grace hath set ye ensample.

Ye Queene.--God' wowndes a good answer, childe.

Lady Alice.--Mayhap 'twill weaken when ye hair sprouts below ye navel.

Lady Helen.--Nay, it sprouted two yeres syne; I can scarce more than cover it with my hand now.

Ye Queene.--Hear Ye that, my little Beaumonte? Have ye not a little birde about ye that stirs at hearing tell of so sweete a neste?

Beaumonte.--'Tis not insensible, illustrious madam; but mousing owls and bats of low degree may not aspire to bliss so whelming and ecstatic as is found in ye downy nests of birdes of Paradise.

Ye Queene.--By ye gullet of God, 'tis a neat-turned compliment. With such a tongue as thine, lad, thou'lt spread the ivory thighs of many a willing maide in thy good time, an' thy cod-piece be as handy as thy speeche.

Then spake ye queene of how she met old Rabelais when she was turned of fifteen, and he did tell her of a man his father knew that had a double pair of bollocks, whereon a controversy followed as concerning the most just way to spell the word, ye contention running high betwixt ye learned Bacon and ye ingenious Jonson, until at last ye old Lady Margery, wearying of it all, saith, 'Gentles, what mattereth it how ye shall spell the word? I warrant Ye when ye use your bollocks ye shall not think of it; and my Lady Granby, be ye content; let the spelling be, ye shall enjoy the beating of them on your buttocks just the same, I trow. Before I had gained my fourteenth year I had learnt that them that would explore a cunt stop'd not to consider the spelling o't.'

Sr W.--In sooth, when a shift's turned up, delay is meet for naught but dalliance. Boccaccio hath a story of a priest that did beguile a maid into his cell, then knelt him in a corner to pray for grace to be rightly thankful for this tender maidenhead ye Lord had sent him; but ye abbot, spying through ye key-hole, did see a tuft of brownish hair with fair white flesh about it, wherefore when ye priest's prayer was done, his chance was gone, forasmuch as ye little maid had but ye one cunt, and that was already occupied to her content.

Then conversed they of religion, and ye mightie work ye old dead Luther did doe by ye grace of God. Then next about poetry, and Master Shaxpur did rede a part of his King Henry IV., ye which, it seemeth unto me, is not of ye value of an arsefull of ashes, yet they praised it bravely, one and all.

Ye same did rede a portion of his "Venus and Adonis," to their prodigious admiration, whereas I, being sleepy and fatigued withal, did deme it but paltry stuff, and was the more discomforted in that ye blody bucanier had got his wind again, and did turn his mind to farting with such villain zeal that presently I was like to choke once more. God damn this windy ruffian and all his breed. I wolde that hell mighte get him.

They talked about ye wonderful defense which old Sr. Nicholas Throgmorton did make for himself before ye judges in ye time of Mary; which was unlucky matter to broach, sith it fetched out ye quene with a 'Pity yt he, having so much wit, had yet not enough to save his doter's maidenhedde sound for her marriage-bed.' And ye quene did give ye damn'd Sr. Walter a look yt made hym wince--for she hath not forgot he was her own lover it yt olde day. There was silent uncomfortableness now; 'twas not a good turn for talk to take, sith if ye queene must find offense in a little harmless debauching, when pricks were stiff and cunts not loathe to take ye stiffness out of them, who of this company was sinless; behold, was not ye wife of Master Shaxpur four months gone with child when she stood uppe before ye altar? Was not her Grace of Bilgewater roger'd by four lords before she had a husband? Was not ye little Lady Helen born on her mother's wedding-day? And, beholde, were not ye Lady Alice and ye Lady Margery there, mouthing religion, whores from ye cradle?

In time came they to discourse of Cervantes, and of the new painter, Rubens, that is beginning to be heard of. Fine words and dainty-wrought phrases from the ladies now, one or two of them being, in other days, pupils of that poor ass, Lille, himself; and I marked how that Jonson and Shaxpur did fidget to discharge some venom of sarcasm, yet dared they not in the presence, the queene's grace being ye very flower of ye Euphuists herself. But behold, these be they yt, having a specialty, and admiring it in themselves, be jealous when a neighbor doth essaye it, nor can abide it in them long. Wherefore 'twas observable yt ye quene waxed uncontent; and in time labor'd grandiose speeche out of ye mouth of Lady Alice, who manifestly did mightily pride herself thereon, did quite exhauste ye quene's endurance, who listened till ye gaudy speeche was done, then lifted up her brows, and with vaste irony, mincing saith 'O shit!' Whereat they alle did laffe, but not ye Lady Alice, yt olde foolish bitche.

Now was Sr. Walter minded of a tale he once did hear ye ingenious Margrette of Navarre relate, about a maid, which being like to suffer rape by an olde archbishoppe, did smartly contrive a device to save her maidenhedde, and said to him, First, my lord, I prithee, take out thy holy tool and piss before me; which doing, lo his member felle, and would not rise again.